 Such a simple idea, how have we missed it!
Once I read this book it struck me just how logical the Respect connection was. How have so many of us gone so long without this dawning on us?
Some reviewers will say this is sexist, and some that it focuses on a man's needs more than a woman. But I need to find that. Repeatedly the author tells men that they need to adopt the tools and learn to love their wives as they need it. This is a two part system. If there is extra focus on Respect I would agree with other readers that it is because it is a much newer thought process and idea. I still in no way found it more harsh on women, or sexist.
I would suggest most couples, even those with a good relationship, read and embrace this concept. Even if you are a non-Christian there are research studies to back up these finds. And there is more to be gained than lost in giving it a go!
 Harder on women than men for a reason!
Written after a lifetime of counseling troubled couples on how to get through tough times or save a marriage, LOVE & RESPECT represents Dr. Emerson Eggerichs' best advice on how to understand your partner and encourage your relationship to bloom. This book has been met with mixed reviews, with many people promoting its powerful impact and relevance for their lives, but many others complaining about aspects of this philosophy that seem sexist and one-sided. I think both sides have very valid points.
First, there can be little doubt that the premise of this book, that women generally wish for and need unconditional love, and men generally wish for and need real respect, holds true for most people. Eggerichs' illustrations of the "Crazy Cycle", rings true, as well as his acronyms to help men and women remember to give their spouses what they need. For men, COUPLE: Closeness, Openness, Understanding, Peacemaking, and Esteem. For women, CHAIRS: Conquest, Hierarchy, Authority, Insight, Relationship, and Sexuality. If couples can learn to treat each other with attitudes and behaviour that their significant others need, happier, healthier marriages would surely result. I've read a number of other relationship books, and there are few insights in this book that are really unique. The big one however, is the idea of men needing respect more than love! Highlighting the sensitivity of men to feelings of respect (or disrespect) is definitely the greatest and most profound contribution of this book, and that brings us to the next issue.
Because the issue of men's need for respect is the most unique and important aspect of this book, that is where most of Eggerichs' attention is focused, and that is the main reason that much of this book comes off as being more directed towards the woman giving the man respect than the man giving the woman love. Multiple times, Eggerichs makes the point that men have been told time and again that they need to love their wives unconditionally and always treat them in a loving way, but wives have rarely (if ever) been told to respect their husbands unconditionally and treat them in a respectful way. Also though, it seems like Eggerichs believes that it is almost easier for the man to act loving to his wife, than for the wife to act respectfully to her husband. As if the natural tendency for a woman is to nag and complain, while the worst a man might do is "stonewall" his wife.
You have to be aware that Eggerichs is writing this as a response to years of experience in marriage counseling. If he seems to harp on wives treating their husbands more respectfully, there must be a reason for it. By far, the majority of examples in this book portray the wife as acting (naturally) naggy and negative, rather than the man acting unloving. In fact, most of the examples portraying men in the negative go to the extreme of marital infidelity, rather than simply acting unloving. Again, I think these are just examples of what the reality is, rather than what Eggerichs thinks you want to hear. I actually like that Eggerichs doesn't just say what is politically correct or easy for everyone to hear. He stresses the differences between women and men and tells you his ideas about what each sex wants and needs, whether that is something you want to hear or not.
Finally, this book is intensely Christian. I have a hard time believing that a non-Christian would enjoy this book, as time and again Eggerichs states that a successful marriage without the help of Christ is simply impossible. A fairly strong opinion, and one that I suspect rubs some readers the wrong way. Other instances of over-reliance of verse to back up his statements are found throughout the book. Rather than logically explaining why you should act a certain way, ect, his answer is "because the Bible tells us to." Probably works fine for most of his readers, but some would probably appreciate a more reason-based argument, and in many cases I think he could have done a better job of providing one.
Overall, I think this book will be very helpful to many relationships (including my own), and hope that readers can take it in context of the Respect aspect being stressed partly because it is something new and unique, and partly because of Eggerichs' personal experience in counseling. You might not want to hear it laid out this way, but Eggerichs is going to tell it like he sees it, which is one reason I loved this book. Highly recommended.
 Not so sure about this guy....
Sometimes it's good to hear an author speak before you read his book, as was my experience. I'm not so sure I'm a big fan, I'm perhaps only a mild advocate. The principals about love and respect are good, but Mr. Eggerichs made at least one comment in a recent sermon that so disturbed me, I had trouble listening again for awhile. But I focused anyway, kept an open mind and hoped that he would exonerate himself or at least explain it better. He did not. I would give him the benefit of the doubt had the statement not been so "blanket" in its labeling.
In the context of discussing the life-long commitment Christians must have within marriage, except for "inherent evils" like adultery and abuse (which are Scriptural justifications for divorce), he made a statement about divorced people that went something like this, and I cannot directly quote it but this is as I remember it: "Divorced people generally do not uphold or adhere to a standard any higher than they had for themselves..." and the implication was that if you are divorced, you probably won't be an advocate for lifelong marriage, but rather more of an advocate for an easy-out.
Especially in the Church, I have found the exact opposite to be true in MANY divorced people, who seem seem to be greater advocates for a couple staying together and less likely to offer them an "out" than before their divorces. They have experienced the pain, heartache and consequences (esp in their children) of divorce. These may also display more compassion towards people who have been faced with divorce from marriages that contain inherent evils such as addiction, abuse and adultery, than those who have never lived with these in their homes. I have noticed a level of compassion among many divorced people that is often higher for believers married to unbelievers than the level shown by some believers who are married to believers.
To generalize about any category of people - in or out of the church - is clear bias - God is no respector of persons and He does not categorize or label any people groups except two - those inside His Kingdom and those outside His Kingdom - the saved and the lost. Paul publicly reprimanded the apostle Peter for categorizing a people group - the Cretans, as "gluttons and liars". Leaders in the Church cannot afford to categorize, even if most of their experience seems to support a personal opinion.
I also sensed a bit of sexism in comments made about women - "pretend" conversations used as illutrations made the woman sound ludicrous while the worst a man sounded in his examples was a little unwise.
Unless one is talking about divorced people who divorced lightly and have not seen a problem with that, it is wrong to make blanket statements about divorced people in general. And it makes about as much sense as saying that Christians that have ever shoplifted are more likely to dismiss shoplifting as wrong. How about lying? If you have ever lied, does it mean that you no longer think lying is wrong? If people's standards are determined forever by their own behaviors, then the transformed mind of a Christian and the guidelines of Jesus' and Paul's teachings have no power.
When my alcoholic husband left me to another state, with five children to raise alone because he didn't want to be married to a Christian anymore and wanted to find a woman with his own philosophy of life (which was drinking and dancing in bars every weekend and watching porn together), I looked to the church for help. It was only the grace of God that gave me the strength to forgive most of the church leaders who said they had no "place" for divorcing or divorced people at their church, I would just have to mingle, or that I should try to reconcile, fast and pray and submit to my husband until he came around. I was told by one group of men when I fainted in their church (I was anorexic and later wound up in the hospital near death) that I had a spirit of lust all over me. All I wanted, and needed, was to be loved and accepted exactly as I was, and to have someone show me compassion and understanding.
If this makes me "over" sensitive to how we treat divorced people in the church, then so be it. Jesus Christ died for sinners and he liked hanging out with them because he knew they would "get" his teachings - better than the churched people of the day got them. This same pattern of overly-churched people not really "getting" the character, nature and person of Jesus and His love is still prevalent.
Bias in any form should find no place to rest in the heart or mind of someone who is going to talk about marriage and divorce in a public setting. Perhaps Mr. Eggerich is not aware of this "amiss", because much else of what he says is solid, helpful truth for marriage.
Terrific book on how to communicate with your significant other
My fiancee and I read this book as part of our pre-marital counseling and we're both so glad we did. From my point of view (as a man) I love how the book explained so well what it is that she's looking for, even if the concepts are fairly nebulous, such as 'openness'. It has also helped her understand why I am 'such a guy' (her term) when it comes to my work and interacting with other men. We're different, and this book helps to explain to both sexes just what that means.
Love & Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs
I've usually been weary about reading many relationship books but I recently read one that was a delightful page turner and a keeper. If you could read just one book to bless your marriage, this is it Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires, The Respect He Desperately Needs by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.
I find the ideas in this book are Christian based, and also very practical. I like that the author gives real-life examples from their own marriage, that the reader can relate to and laugh about. It's definitely a book to get if you're looking to improve or save your marriage. It will give you fresh insights into the needs & wants of your mate.
In reading about how this book came about I comprehended what makes this book so impacting. It was birthed from the illumination in Scripture! In 1998, Dr. Eggerichs was studying the Bible and he saw the "love and respect" principle in Ephesians 5:33 where it says, "Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband". Dr Eggerichs puts it like this "Without love, she (the wife) reacts without respect. Without respects, he (the husband) reacts without love. While we previously were told that love was the answers for all issues (both male and female), the inclusion of respect will help marriages to be solid and Biblically sound. This book is for both sides of the marriage.
The book's first section deals with what Eggerichs calls, "The Crazy Cycle." The "crazy cycle" deals primarily with communication. Simply put, men and women communicate differently. And not only do they communicate differently, they decipher and interpret differently. When a spouse makes a statement that they innocently believe conveys their true feelings, the other spouse interprets it incorrectly and then responds to that misinterpretation. Thus, the "crazy cycle" begins. But those are symptoms of the greater issue at hand: men desire to be respected and wives desire to be loved. The messages often undermine and are based these two foundational expressions.
This is where Eggerichs masterfully provides extremely practical insights and advice, and he does so with the use of acronyms. The essential truth is that if you work through the acronym, you end up at a place where your wife will know that you do honor and cherish her! The book closes with some thoughts on the rewards of living the suggestions out. I'm reminded of the importance of taking to heart what matters to God, and marriage matters to God - period.
Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from Thomas Nelson Publishers as part of their [...] review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission's 16 CFR, Part 255: "Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising."
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